Crash

© 2005 Lions Gate Films
Directed by: Paul Haggis
Written by: Paul Haggis
Starring: Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Esposito, Brendan Fraser, Larenz Tate, Ludacris, Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillippe, Terrence Howard, Thandie Newton
U.S. Theatrical B.O.: $55,382,847
cumulative critic score on Rotten Tomatoes: 77% positive (out of 163 reviews)

Don Cheadle breaks the record for earliest utterance of Titular Line [1] in this critically acclaimed total piece of shit. Writer/Director Paul Haggis promises in the Behind the Scenes that Crash will make people think and ask questions, such as: How edifying is it to watch stereotypes talk about stereotypes in a stereotypical way? Is it possible to employ tragic irony with no irony whatsoever? Is it racist to treat racism with all the subtlety of an xtreme sport? Did Brendan Fraser ADR all his dialogue? Is Ryan Phillippe the Poor Man’s Paul Walker or is it the other way around? But you won’t be asking anything during the scene in which the Arab (I mean Persian) points a gun at the Mexican (I mean El Salvadorian – wait is he Mexican?) for some unconvincing contrived reason as if to suggest that all “Arab” violence is justified but not really as the Mexican(?)’s little girl runs outside because her daddy told her a parable about molestation I mean some story about a magic fairy and the orchestral synths hit hard and dramatic and the camera dolly-zooms and the mother falls to the slow motion ground in ethnic despair and the Arab realizes the act of violence is justified if not the violence and the fairy is real because immigrants are easily duped by fat blue collar whites and I’m beating the pathos out of Franke’s arm with everybody squealing on the couch in uncontrollable stupefied delight. From the fake Tarantino introduction for Ludacris to the fake Magnolia meditative song interlude to the fake sympathy I’m supposed to feel for the pain that (I guess) excuses Sandra Bullock’s and Matt Dillon’s cartoonish racism even as it puts a gun in the hands of what’s-his-Hustle-n-Flow so he can finally for once in his life act like a black man, this movie is the whitest shit I’ve ever seen. Al Sharpton loved it. I sold a book to Matt Dillon around the time Crash came out and wanted to tell him how much I adore Wild Things but I thought he would think I was making fun of him so instead I said “Sir, your change!” as he hurried out the store. [2] I had yet to see Crash. I couldn’t tell him it sucked so bad it made me want to diarrhea someplace secret, though in all honesty I found the scene of him pulling Thandie Newton out of the burning car absolutely riveting, no really I did.

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[1]Only 44 words in, if you count “L.A.” as one word.

[2] He bought Best of American Non-Fiction 2005.

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© 2005-06 Sinlechuga / Dan Hoy